


Truth and Dreams

by Weis



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Arthur Knows, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-21 09:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1545821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weis/pseuds/Weis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After taking his kingdom back from Morgana and having some time to think about his disastrous almost-wedding, Arthur decides to stop chasing a dream about love. Somehow that sets him free. And maybe not just him.<br/>It’s an alternative ending of 4.13. May be seen as pre-slash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Truth and Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Dr_Doomsduck for advices and corrections. Without those this story would be much darker.

***

Merlin felt weary to the bone. Tiredness crept onto him, muting colors and sounds, making world hazy around the edges. Despite him being used to insane escapades the last one left him with strange sense of detachment mixed with bittersweet victory.

He spent two previous nights looking for Camelot’s people scattered about forest, fields and caves; arranging for them to gather near the stone at down; sneaking into the citadel and leaving a trap for Morgana’s magic, forbidding himself to go to the dungeons and free their friends so to not trigger Morgana’s suspicions.

The final task of rousing Arthur and spinning him a tale about kings, bravery and battles with carefully chosen wording to make it encouraging was almost easy. He always spoke from the heart – words came sincere and effortless, natural. Just like checking Arthur’s armor and trying to think of anything that could go wrong, laying small enchantments on the mail to make it less penetrable.

This was his most important job – to help Arthur get ready to claim his kingdom.

When the battle came it was almost a relief. Battles he could do. This one was no different. Merlin stuck to Arthur but not too close, so that he could disarm more enemies without being seen. Tried to save those he could.

When everything was over Merlin dreamed about finding a quiet corner and sleep at least three days straight. Alas, right now he could only dream about this. After Morgana disappeared Merlin merely gave it a passing regret – there was so much to do. Hopefully, they would solve this issue soon, but for now people needed help to get on their feet.

The death toll was high, especially among guards and soldiers. Thankfully, everyone knew the routine by now. Knights went to organize patrols and guarding rote, servants scattered about straightening, cleaning, washing, and Merlin was left with the organizing the infirmary and making sure that their friends had proper care when he could provide it. Arthur was going to oversee the most pressing matters in the throne room – but not before Merlin wrestled him into fresh bandages noting that he favored his side and tried to hide a wince. So, under strict orders from his own servant, Arthur lingered in the infirmary, taking in the condition of his people and rather successfully trying to look strong and reassuring.

There were so many wounded and so few who knew at least something about tending them or healing. Merlin spotted several old women from the lower town who sometimes worked as midwives and helped Gaius at times like this, when kingdom was short on healers. What worse, Gaius was of not much help. He was in such a bad shape that could do with some help himself. Gwaine and Elyan weren't much better.

Between healing, directing the stray guard to help the knights and sending word to the kitchens to prepare something light for the patients and for Arthur, Merlin felt stretched paper-thin. They were running low on bandages. Somehow, they always were short of bandages after the siege or attack or some other catastrophe. And Merlin didn’t dare to hope that some of the potions and tinctures lived through Morgana’s reign. He’d have to go to the laboratory and check, and maybe send someone to gather herbs for the most common remedies soon. Thankfully, bandages were easy – he didn’t have time to give Arthur’s old sheets to the castellan before they had to flee Camelot, so they’ll do for now.  
Unexpectedly, in Arthur’s chambers he’d found Gwen. 

She turned to the door with hopeful expression and her face fell a little when she saw him. 

“Gwen? What are you doing?” Merlin asked, confused. After saving her from Morgana he lost sight of her, too busy with everything else. Seeing her here made Merlin feel misplaced somehow, jarred. These chambers were his domain for so long that he had to remind himself once more that they had already won, that everything was fine. 

“I’m trying to straighten it up a bit here.” She went to right the chair, then to lift the helmet, looking confident again, assured in her welcome, like she belonged here. 

She managed to find a dress, her own, from the time before the banishment. Merlin could relate to the need to change clothes, rinse days old grime and sweat and blood. For girls it must be particularly unbearable, to wear the same tunic for days.

Merlin looked around. It seems the room had been thrashed during the attack. But nothing too serious. Nothing important was broken. A couple hours of work. He could do that while Arthur was taking his troops reports and making new guard rotas. And then Merlin could persuade him to rest.  
He didn’t doubt that Arthur would stubbornly refuse and say that he is fine, that he has to check just one more thing… But shadows under his eyes would be deeper than Merlin’s, not to mention his wound.

“Er…” He squirmed guiltily. “I’d get to that. Eventually.”

“It’s all right, I don’t mind.” Gwen assured him, straightening the curtain. But the next moment she dropped it and sighed. “How is he?”

Merlin remembered Arthur looking at dying Isolde with pain and guilt. He was grateful for her and Tristan for supporting Arthur when he needed it the most, for believing in him though they didn’t have to. But now he has one more burden on his soul.

Merlin will need to find something to distract him.

“You have seen how,” he shrugged.

“Merlin, I… Talk to him?” Gwen bit her lip.

Merlin knew what about. He’d seen her hopeful and guilty expression when she sat with Arthur in Ealdor and called him in the camp afterwards. It painfully resonated somewhere within him. He remembered the bracelet and asked himself again – was he right supporting Arthur in his dreams about love?

Sometimes Merlin thought that Arthur had fallen in love not with Gwen but with the image of her – someone safe, the least challenging, who is always there - because he missed the sense of belonging and thought that Gwen can be that to him. Like he had a picture in his mind of the perfect love and made himself believe in that. Sometimes he couldn’t fathom how they managed to fall in love, between Arthur’s unforgiving duty, their adventures and Camelot's endless skirmishes.

Maybe when they rescued Gwen from some kind of distress? He almost smirked.

And sometimes Merlin thought that Arthur missed being a part of family, no matter how inconvenient his own was, despite all grief and hurt that Uther and Morgana brought him.

But at the same time Merlin couldn’t forget broken, pained expression on Arthur’s face when Gwen and Lancelot were found. It didn’t matter that magic was the reason of their actions – he knew Arthur better than himself and could say that he wouldn’t forget that.

Another thing he couldn’t fathom however hard he tried – why those whom Arthur gifts with his love and devotion always wanted something else? Why he was never enough?

No one told Merlin that he has to guard Arthur’s heart along with his life.

“I think I have interfered enough already,” he said regretfully. 

“But Merlin, I love him!” She exclaimed.

“I tried to talk to him right after you were banished,” he explained. “He said that he could never trust you again. If you would be in my position, would you risk hurting him by letting him believe in someone who broke him once?”

“It’s not for you to decide!” Gwen frowned.

“True. I don’t decide anything. But I’m not going to convince him to change his mind like I did with you when he was enchanted to love Vivian. I just can’t,” Merlin said sadly.

“That’s enough, Merlin.” He and Gwen were so engrossed in the talk that they didn’t notice when Arthur entered the chambers.

“Here. I was to the Gaius’s and gathered all I could salvage,” he gave Merlin a bag full of vials and healing supplies. Turning to Gwen he said, “After what happened to us I couldn’t stop thinking about it for a while. I thought - what kind of life it would be with me wondering when I’ll be betrayed again by someone I should be able to rely on without a doubt? Or think when the person I trust fully will betray me? When my love will fail me again?”

“Arthur, please!” Gwen begged him, not able to hold back tears. “I will never forgive myself, but… Remember, we thought Lancelot was dead. Did you think it was…” she didn’t dare utter the word.  
“It probably was,-” Arthur agreed. “-Whoever arranged that knew us quite well,-" no-one needed to say who exactly had the means to pull something like this, they had pretty good guess.-" And they were right. The ploy worked. That’s what got me thinking-”, he paused. “-I realized that all that time I was chasing a dream. Think, Gwen. Can you honestly say that this is what you would choose no matter what, without regrets and second thoughts, especially if you’d have a choice?” 

“But I…-” Gwen started to say, stopped and bit her lip. “-I don’t know.” She whispered.

Arthur nodded. “There is a reason why that ploy hit us hard, the reason for our vulnerability, and it won't go away if we refuse to acknowledge it. And because of this reason I think it’s better to stop lying to ourselves before unsatisfied hopes and expectations make everything bitter and empty.

“I think it’s time to stop living a dream and face a reality. And you now have a chance to think of what you really want. You do have a chance for the happiness still. But we both know that it can’t be me.”

Gwen’s expression was regretful and resigned but she nodded.

Arthur looked at Merlin, “Did you find what you were looking for?”

Merlin run to the chest got the sheets and nodded.

He felt unsettled after witnessing the scene, but at the same time reassured that Arthur and Gwen may have some kind of closure, finally. It wasn’t over yet, but now at least they can face the possibility of not being together out of guilt, misguided attempts to do the right thing or to belong.

“All right then, let’s go,-” commanded Arthur. “-The sooner we are done with the infirmary and reports, the sooner we can rest.” He turned and went out, letting Merlin go before him. The door softly clicked behind their backs muffling Gwen’s quiet sobs.

***

Much later, when the wounded were tended to and the semblance of the order was more or less restored, Arthur and Merlin stood in king’s chambers and looked at busy courtyard below.

“Was there magic involved?” Arthur asked suddenly.

“Yes,-” Merlin answered, understanding what he was talking about. “-The bracelet was enchanted to bring Gwen’s affection for Lancelot back.”

“That’s it? Not make her forget herself?”

Merlin shook his head. There were no other enchantments on the bracelet. He wished he could lie if only to sooth Arthur’s internal turmoil, but he deserved to know the truth. 

The king nodded.

“Aren’t you going to ask how I found out about the enchantment?” Merlin asked carefully, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Do you want me to ask?-” Arthur looked at him shrewdly. Seeing Merlin’s hesitation he turned back to the window. “-Then I won’t.”

Several moments they looked at their people, safe and bustling with activity.

“They have no idea what you did for them.” Arthur mentioned thoughtfully.

“Me?! I didn’t do anything!” Merlin argued, barely daring to enjoy the warmth that suddenly bloomed inside him after those words.

“You did everything, Merlin,” Arthur glanced at him with such sincere gratitude that Merlin had to fight back a sudden pickling in the eyes. Arthur rarely let himself be so open and honest, and Merlin treasured each such moment.

“Is that your way to say ‘thank you’?” He tried to joke.

“Kind of,-” Arthur agreed. “-Don’t get used to it.” His gentle tone belied the teasing. “-Go, prepare me a bed”.

When the usual order was restored, everything was placed where it should be or replaced, Merlin was fluffing Arthur’ pillows, enjoying familiar routine, when king suddenly said. “Stay here tonight. I had a look around while gathering potions – your room is a mess. You are barely awake. Sleep in the antechamber here.”

“All right,” Merlin agreed.

None of them would admit being uncomfortable in a home where the enemy lived not so long ago. A Foreign presence still lingered here. Having someone familiar close helped to erase the traces, helped to understand that everything would be fine again.

On the brink of sleep Merlin thought he heard quiet “Are you guarding my heart now as well, Merlin?”  
Or maybe he just dreamed it.

***


End file.
